Employee Won't Talk in 1-on-1s? 5 Reasons and What to Say

What is going on when a direct report won't talk in meetings

A team member who stays quiet in meetings does not necessarily have nothing to say. They may have something on their mind but not know how to bring it up. There is usually more than one possible reason, so rather than writing it off as personality, we recommend first thinking about why.

When every question gets "Nothing in particular," meeting after meeting, it is easy to conclude "They just don't want to talk." But the employee has their own situation too.

When the manager who evaluates them asks, "Anything on your mind?", they have to decide three things in a few seconds: which topic to raise, what they want from you, and what is likely to happen once they say it. "Nothing in particular" is a perfectly natural reply when they cannot settle any of the three.

In 300,000 1-on-1 sessions extracted from the usage data of Kakeai AI 1on1, KAKEAI's service that supports 1-on-1 meetings, employees went as far as choosing what they wanted from their manager for 71.5% of the themes chosen before a 1-on-1. Even when they pick a topic on their own ahead of time, they do not always get as far as deciding what they want from their manager. The share of themes with nothing chosen for what they wanted from their manager varied by theme: 22.2% for "Work progress and how to proceed," 33.8% for "Relationships at work," and 40.9% for "Physical and mental condition." For topics about relationships or physical and mental condition, employees were less likely to say what they wanted from their manager.

The reasons a direct report stays quiet in meetings fall broadly into these five:

• They don't know what the meeting is for.
• They start looking for something to talk about only once you ask.
• They have something to discuss, but they aren't sure themselves what they want from you.
• They don't know how what they say will be handled.
• You never followed up on something they raised in an earlier meeting.

How much people feel their meetings achieve differs widely depending on what problem they have with them. In KAKEAI's survey of 10,000 employees in Japan, 14.7% named "Meetings feel forced, done out of obligation" as a problem with their manager meetings. Of these, only 13.1% felt their meetings led to work improvements or results.

Meanwhile, 9.7% named "I can't bring up what I want to or should talk about," and 36.5% of them felt their meetings led to results. That is higher than the 31.9% of all respondents. The survey covers meetings in general, but it suggests that the same short reply can come from very different situations.

Three questions to narrow down why they stay quiet

You can usually get a sense of why a team member stays quiet by looking back on your past conversations with three questions. We do not recommend asking them, "Why don't you talk to me?" For them, it is just one more hard question to answer. Before your next meeting, answer the three questions below yourself and match the results to the table.

1. When did they stop talking? From the very first meeting, or from a particular one?
2. What kind of question from you gets the short answers? Only "Anything on your mind?", or also questions that name a specific project?
3. How are they outside meetings? Do they talk in morning check-ins, on chat, or at their desk?

Keep in mind that you only see their behavior, so any reason you come up with here is a guess. If you change your approach and see no difference after two tries, switch to the approach in a different row.

If no row fits, one option is to ask them what to change about the meeting rather than why they don't talk. They can answer a question about how the meeting runs without revealing their own circumstances.

What to change, and what to say first, for each reason

When a direct report won't talk in meetings, try changing your first words instead of trying to get them to talk more. Preparation can be as small as sending one chat message the day before. The examples below are for a team member who is responsible for submitting a quote to Company A on Friday.

When they don't know what the meeting is for: state the purpose yourself first

If they have given short answers to every question since the very first meeting, you may not have fully explained what the meeting is for. If they see it as an interview where they are being questioned, answering only what is asked is a natural response.

In KAKEAI's survey of 10,000 employees in Japan, "Meetings feel forced, done out of obligation" was named by 8.8% of people who meet with their manager once a week or more, and by 22.7% of those who meet once every six months to once a year. The longer the gap between meetings, the more people tend to feel meetings are an obligation. If someone stays quiet in a twice-a-year meeting, we recommend adding a short meeting in between instead of waiting six months for the next one.

When they look for something to talk about on the spot: tell them one topic the day before

If they say "Nothing in particular" to "Anything on your mind?" but answer when you name a project, they may be thinking about what to discuss for the first time in the meeting itself. In Kakeai AI 1on1 usage data, a theme had been entered when the 1-on-1 was scheduled in only about one in four sessions (not counting themes added later). Deciding on a topic in advance is that hard. In the survey of 10,000 employees, 17.4% also named "The burden of thinking up what to talk about" as a problem with their manager meetings.

So they can think ahead, it often helps to send a short chat message the day before.

On the day, avoid yes-or-no questions. If you ask "Is it going well?", the conversation ends at "It's going well."

If you name a project and still get "Nothing in particular," don't stack up more questions. Offer one specific thing you could help with.

When they aren't clear on what they want from you: offer options for how you could help

If they explain the situation but get stuck when you ask "What would you like to do?" or "Is there anything I can do?", they probably haven't decided what to ask of you. Drop the wide-open questions and offer a few ways you could be involved.

The survey of 10,000 employees asked people to choose the one thing they most want from their manager during a meeting. The most common answer was "It depends on the situation," at 20.9%, and 15.6% said "Nothing in particular." What people want from their manager changes from time to time, so it is no surprise they cannot answer right away when asked on the spot.

When they can't decide, one option is for you to offer, "I'd like to think this through with you." In that case, first understand what they are struggling with and what they want, and then really think it through together. It helps to start by saying how you see the situation and asking whether that matches theirs. If they say they want your opinion, first ask what they think, and then give your view in concrete terms.

For topics like health or relationships at work, we recommend listening first rather than pushing them to decide what they want from you.

If health comes up, avoid guessing at a cause or diagnosis, and connect them with your occupational health contact or HR.

When they don't know how what they say will be handled: say up front how you will handle it

If they talk about progress but give short answers when the questions turn to reasons for delays, other people, or anything related to evaluation, they may be worried about how what they say will be handled. In the survey of 10,000 employees, 9.3% named "I can't speak honestly because I worry about how it affects my evaluation or how I'm seen" as a problem with their manager meetings. Another 8.0% named "There's no trust with my manager, so I don't feel safe talking." A meaningful number of people hold back because they worry about what will happen after they speak.

So it helps to tell them, before you ask, how you will handle what you hear. Only promise what you can decide yourself.

On the other hand, avoid saying "This won't affect your evaluation, so tell me anything." That is not a promise you can make on your own.

When you never followed up on something they raised: bring it up yourself

If a team member who used to talk went quiet after a certain meeting, think back to what they told you in the meeting just before, and how you responded. In the survey of 10,000 employees, 12.9% named "My manager's response isn't what I hoped for" as a problem with their meetings. Of these, 23.4% felt their meetings led to results, below the 31.9% of all respondents.

Once someone has spoken up and seen nothing change, they may find less reason to come to you next time. Before asking anything new, bring up the stalled issue yourself.

Whatever the reason, end with one next step each

Whatever the reason they stay quiet, at the end of the meeting, agree together on one thing you will do and one thing they will do.

What to avoid when a direct report won't talk in meetings

What you want to avoid is repeating the same approach without thinking about the reason. Here are six common examples.

• Blaming their personality. Once you decide "They're just quiet," you stop seeing what you could change on your side.
• Deciding in advance to "wait until they talk" or "just listen." KAKEAI does not recommend fixing a single approach ahead of time, such as "the manager should only listen." In Kakeai AI 1on1 usage data, of the things employees chose before a 1-on-1 as what they wanted from their manager, "I want you to listen" was 11.7%. Meanwhile, "I want us to think it through together," "I want to hear your opinion," and "I want specific advice" made up 53.4% combined. Just nodding when they want your opinion or advice misses what they expect, and so does talking at length when they did not ask for it. What to avoid is settling on one way of responding before you know what they want to talk about and what they want from you. Of course, some meetings can simply end with listening.
• Putting off the real topic until you have built a relationship through small talk or meals. More small talk does not fix confusion about what the meeting is for or how what they say will be handled. The relationship between a manager and a team member is built by moving stalled work forward together.
• Saying "Tell me anything." The wider the question, the heavier the burden on them to decide where to start. Naming one specific project makes it easier to answer.
• Firing more questions at short answers. A string of questions turns the meeting into an interrogation. Stick to one question, and if the answer is short, share how you see the situation first.
• Judging the meeting by how much they talked. They do not need to talk more. If one piece of stalled work comes to light and the next step is decided, the meeting has done its job.

Based on its experience supporting more than 3 million 1-on-1s and the results of its survey of 10,000 employees, KAKEAI believes the purpose of a meeting is to move work forward, not to get the employee talking at length.

How to tell whether meetings are getting easier for them to talk in

Do not judge whether your changes worked by how long they talked. After your next meeting, look back on your time together with these three points.

• When you asked about a specific project, did even one piece of stalled work come up?
• At the end of the meeting, was the next step put into their own words?
• Before the meeting, had you shared what they wanted to discuss and what they wanted from you?

In KAKEAI's survey of 10,000 employees in Japan, 61.3% of people who said their manager meetings lead to action every time or almost every time felt their meetings led to results. Among people who said meetings rarely or never lead to action, it was 7.0%. People whose meetings lead to action are far more likely to feel those meetings achieve something.

So even if their answers stay short, if what you agreed on moves forward by the next meeting, the meeting has served its purpose. If you see no change on the first point two meetings in a row, revisit your guess about the reason and try a different approach.