Irritated With an Employee? What to Do as a Manager

What's going on when a direct report irritates or annoys you

When a direct report irritates you, there is usually an expectation about the work behind it: you want to hit the deadline, or you don't want quality to slip. When there's a gap between that expectation and what actually happened, words like "irritating," "annoying," or "infuriating" come to mind.

When you feel irritated, take a look at the words in your head. As long as you're thinking things that label the person, like "they don't care" or "no matter how many times I tell them," you haven't yet sorted out for yourself which event, in which piece of work, set you off. An expectation you haven't sorted out can't reach your team member either.

What about your team member's side? In KAKEAI's survey of 10,000 employees in Japan, 12.9% named "my manager's response is different from what I expect" as a problem with meetings with their manager (multiple answers). "My manager doesn't remember what we talked about before" and "my manager doesn't apply what we discussed day to day, or doesn't keep promises" were each named by 6.2%.

Counting other items such as "what my manager says isn't useful," 27.3% named at least one of 5 problems related to how their manager responds.

Deciding who's at fault won't move the work forward. Try thinking of your irritation as a sign that the two of you still have expectations that haven't been put into words.

If you find yourself irritated by small things day after day, no matter who you're dealing with, the cause may be your own workload or fatigue. If you suspect your workload, talk to your own manager. If you're worried about symptoms like not sleeping or feeling tired even after rest, talk to an occupational health professional or a medical professional.

What to do in the moment when a direct report irritates you

In the moment, we recommend that you only ask about one fact and set a time to talk properly later. If you say what you're thinking right then, you'll be talking before you've checked what actually happened. From here on, the example is a manager who has asked a team member to prepare a proposal due to a client on Friday.

When you get irritated at their desk, on chat, or in a meeting

In the moment, ask only how far along the work is right now.

Reread chat replies before you send them. Keep only the sentences that ask about facts, and delete anything that sounds like blame.

When other people are around, as in a meeting, suggest talking one-on-one afterward.

When you don't think you can talk calmly

Even if you stay silent, your irritation reaches your team member through your expression or your short replies. The reason does not. When you don't think you can talk calmly, say so and ask for time.

Any way of calming down that works for you is fine, whether that's taking a deep breath or stepping away from your desk. But even once you're calm, the event that set you off is still there. To sort out your thinking before you talk, write down these 3 things.

1. When and what happened (write only what you saw and heard)
2. What problem that event caused for the work
3. What you want to happen from here

If you can't write the first one, you don't yet know what happened. In that case, ask your team member what happened before you share your own view.

Turn your irritation into a specific work event

If you pass along the words in your head as they are, your team member won't know which piece of work, or what about it, you mean. Before you say anything, translate those words into the actual work event, as in the table below.

In KAKEAI's survey of 10,000 employees, the 6,074 people who said their meetings lead to action about half the time or less were asked why they don't (up to 5 answers). 15.9% said "I don't have the information I need to act," and 13.4% said "I don't feel a need to act now (low urgency)."

When you describe the event, it often helps to also share the deadline and what problem a delay causes. Even if you see the work as urgent, it's hard for your team member to sense that urgency unless you put the reason into words.

How to raise your irritation as a work conversation

When you talk with your team member, try going in this order: what happened, what problem it caused for the work, your team member's circumstances, and what to do from here. You can do this in your next 1-on-1 or in a 10-minute conversation the same day. If the order doesn't suit the person or the situation, rearrange it.

Drawing on its experience supporting more than 3 million 1-on-1s and its survey of 10,000 employees, KAKEAI believes the work event that triggered your irritation is fair to raise head-on in a meeting between manager and team member. Work is something that has to be delivered for results, and it is also concrete material for growth.

After telling your team member the draft didn't arrive by the deadline, you might continue like this:

Once you've said what problem it caused you, also ask what your team member wants from you. Both of you have a stake in this.

In 300,000 1-on-1 sessions extracted from the records of Kakeai, KAKEAI's 1-on-1 service, among sessions where the team member sent feedback afterward, "I felt they got to know me and my situation" was chosen in 46.2%. "I got to know them and their situation" was chosen in 10.4%, which is lower. That suggests how hard it is for a team member to learn about the manager's situation during a 1-on-1.

Your team member can't know what problem something caused you unless you say it. After you describe the event, talk about the problem it caused too.

When they reply "Nobody told me" or "But..."

If you try to settle whether you said it or they didn't hear it, the conversation drifts away from the work event. What to ask is which part didn't get across.

When you get so many small questions that it feels exhausting

If you say "Stop checking with me about every little thing," your team member may end up pushing ahead with unanswered questions. Welcome the questions themselves, and decide together how to handle them.

Kakeai's records include what team members chose before a 1-on-1 as what they wanted from their manager. For the topic "work progress and how to proceed," team members chose "I want us to think it through together" 17.0% of the time. That was the most common choice among the 5 options, excluding "Other."

When small questions keep coming, it may help to ask your team member what they want from you.

When you haven't worked together for long

The relationship between a manager and a team member develops in stages, and what works changes with each stage. The same words land differently when someone is still guarded than when they can bring up problems before they pile up. With someone you haven't worked with for long, it often helps to narrow it down to one event and keep it short.

What to avoid when a direct report irritates you

What to avoid is either quietly suppressing your irritation or letting it show in your attitude and words, without first translating it into a work event.

• Lowering your expectations and saying nothing. This page doesn't recommend the idea that "you'll feel better if you stop expecting anything from your team." The proposal's deadline and quality are what the client work requires, and they don't change if you stop expecting them.
• Showing it through sighs or curt replies. Your team member can tell you're in a bad mood, but not which work or what about it set you off. When they don't know the reason, it gets harder for them to bring up delays or problems, and the two of you tend to act later.
• Using words that label the person. "Do you even care?" or "How many times do I have to tell you?" hurts the person, and because it contains no work event, they have no way to answer it. This page doesn't judge whether a particular way of speaking counts as harassment. If you're concerned, check your company's policies and talk to someone in HR.
• Deciding you must first build the relationship through small talk or meals before raising the issue. KAKEAI doesn't recommend setting the order as "build the relationship first." We believe relationships are built while moving work conversations forward. Of course, small talk and meals are fine. But while you wait for the relationship to improve, the proposal deadline keeps getting closer.

How to look back on whether you handled your irritation well

To tell whether you handled it well, look not at whether the irritation went away but at whether the same events happen less often. Here are 3 things to check.

• Did you sum up the event that set you off in one sentence, including the date and time, and tell your team member within a week?
• Are you meeting what your team member expected from you (when you ask for something, writing down which version to use and what to include)?
• The next time a similar situation came up, were the two of you able to talk it over early?

KAKEAI's survey of 10,000 employees asked whether meetings with their manager lead to action afterward. The most common answer was "about half the time" at 40.9%, and 9.4% said "every time." It isn't easy for every meeting with a manager to lead to action.

You don't need to lower your expectations of the work. What's worth changing is the assumption that once you say something, things should change from then on. Even if nothing changes after the first time, keep raising it the same way at least 3 times, and check together whether the event is happening less often.