When an Employee Ignores or Avoids You: What to Do

When a team member ignores or avoids you, first identify which of 3 situations it is

If you feel a team member is ignoring or avoiding you, start by working out what exactly has stopped. It falls into one of the following 3 situations, and what to say first differs for each.

It hurts when a greeting isn't returned. But if greetings are the only thing that has stopped, the work itself still moves. It helps to decide what to deal with first by how much it affects the work, not by how much it hurts.

In KAKEAI's survey of 10,000 employees in Japan, the most common problem in meetings with a manager (multiple answers allowed) was "Getting time on my manager's calendar and scheduling." 24.6% named it.

When you feel avoided, we recommend starting by looking back at how you have handled things. You can't see your team member's feelings from the outside, but you can find out today whether there are requests from them you haven't answered.

At the same time, don't hold back from asking your team member for the replies the work needs. Being ignored or avoided is not only the manager's problem, and not only the team member's.

What to say first in each situation

In every situation, first review how you've handled things, then reach out about a work matter. It's best to avoid making greetings or your relationship the first topic.

When a team member doesn't greet you or reply

When your morning greeting goes unanswered, or a chat message shows as read with no reply, ask your team member only for the replies the work needs. When you ask, include a deadline and a simple way to answer. Before you ask, sort out these 3 points:

• Is it only with you, or with everyone? If their replies have dropped off with everyone, it may not be just about the two of you.
• Since when? Think back to any event that might have set it off, such as a day you pointed out a mistake in front of others or delivered a review.
• Have work replies stopped too? If even replies like confirming a purchase order have stopped, you need to act this week.

If there is a request from this team member you haven't answered, answer it first.

If you have an idea of what set it off, bring that event up yourself. You don't need to take back the substance of what you said.

Replying to work messages is part of the job, for the manager and the team member alike. When you ask for a reply, explain what can't move forward without it, and include a deadline and a way to answer in a word.

If the deadline passes with no reply, state what happened and how you'll proceed. You don't need to comment on their attitude.

In KAKEAI's survey, 9.3% named "I can't speak honestly because I worry about how it will affect my evaluation or how I'm seen" as a problem in meetings with their manager.

When you ask why they haven't replied, it helps to offer choices so it's easier to answer.

When reports and requests go around you

When reports and requests bypass you, for example when you hear about an important deal first from your department head, avoid immediately demanding that things go through you. Let the work continue as it is, and ask why they didn't come to you. From your team member's side, the reasons might be things like these:

• "My manager is slow to reply, and often isn't at their desk."
• "Asking my manager doesn't get anything decided. The department head makes the call in the end."
• "If I tell my manager, I'll get scolded, or it'll turn into a big deal."
• "The instructions for this work come from someone else in the first place."

Records of 300,000 1-on-1 sessions extracted from Kakeai, KAKEAI's 1-on-1 service, include what employees chose before a 1-on-1 as their expectation of their manager. For the "work progress and approach" topic, 17.0% of employees chose "I want us to think it through together." It was the most common of the 5 options other than "Other," above "I want to report something" at 14.5%. In conversations about how work gets done, people more often want their manager to think it through with them than simply to receive a report.

Think back on whether you had fallen into replying "Got it" and nothing more to their daily reports.

If they say your replies are slow, decide how you'll reply from now on and tell them.

If it turns out to be something you can't decide, or work where the instructions come from someone else, we recommend changing the flow so your team member goes directly to the person who decides. If you insist on everything going through you, the work gets held up.

If they say you were hard to talk to, think back to how you handled things before and ask.

Let your own manager know too.

When a team member avoids meetings

When "I'm busy this week" keeps postponing or canceling your meetings (1-on-1s or regular individual meetings), narrow what you want to talk about to one thing, shorten the time, and ask again. Put that one topic in the calendar invite title too.

In KAKEAI's survey, 6.2% named "My manager doesn't remember what we talked about before" as a problem in meetings with their manager. Of these, 26.4% feel their meetings lead to results. Another 6.2% named "My manager doesn't apply what we discussed day to day or doesn't keep promises," and of these, 23.2% feel their meetings lead to results. 3.9% named "My manager isn't enthusiastic about holding them," and of these, 20.4% feel their meetings lead to results. All of these are below the 31.9% for all respondents, so these people tend to feel fewer results from meetings.

Before asking again, look back at whether you postponed any meetings for your own reasons, or heard a request and never answered it.

If the postponements continue, offer choices and ask why.

If they say it's hard to find time, avoid busy weeks and let them choose the date and time. Keep the meeting itself going.

If they say nothing gets decided, bring up yourself the requests you heard and left unanswered.

If they say it's hard to talk one-on-one, work out together how to hold the meeting.

The same survey found that 8.0% named "There's no trust with my manager, so I don't feel safe talking" as a problem in meetings.

The relationship between a manager and a team member goes through stages, and the approach that fits changes with the stage. The same invitation lands differently when someone is still guarded than when they can raise problems without letting them build up. While your team member still seems guarded, keep meetings short and low-key, and keep the work conversation going.

Some managers and team members talk about work well enough without formal meetings. But if you decide on your own whether to stop the meetings, you may get it wrong. Your team member may have something they want to tell you that you can't see. We also don't recommend leaving the decision entirely to your team member.

Situations where you shouldn't decide on your own

In situations that may involve harassment or health, don't make the call on your own. Check the work rules, consult HR, and if needed connect to the company's reporting channel or occupational health.

When a team member tells you that something you do is hard on them, or when you can think of something yourself, such as scolding them harshly or pointing out mistakes in front of others repeatedly. Listen without arguing back in the moment. Whether it counts as harassment is not yours to decide. Consult HR, and let your team member know they can contact the company's reporting channel on their own.

When several team members keep not replying to your work messages for days. Even when you are the one having a hard time, don't carry it alone. Keep a record of the dates, times, and topics of your messages so you can explain the situation, and report it to your own manager. Decide how to respond after checking the work rules and consulting HR.

When their replies have dropped off with everyone, and they are coming in late or calling in sick more often. Avoid guessing out loud at a diagnosis or a cause. Connect health matters to occupational health or medical professionals. For attendance and leave, check the work rules and consult HR. What you can adjust yourself is this week's workload and deadlines.

What to avoid when a team member ignores or avoids you

Here are 4 things to avoid. Trying to close the distance suddenly and deciding to stop engaging both fail to help restore the working back-and-forth.

• Inviting them to small talk or a meal first, to get closer. Some advice says "first rebuild the relationship over small talk or a meal," but KAKEAI does not recommend it. For someone who is avoiding you, it means more one-on-one time with no clear purpose.
• Starting with "At least say hello." Even if a reminder brings the greetings back, the stalled reports and requests won't necessarily come back with them.
• Putting it down to personality or generation and deciding to stop engaging. You lose the chance to ask why, and the state of no reports and no requests tends to drag on.
• Promising "If you're honest with me, it won't affect your evaluation." Evaluations aren't always yours alone to decide, so it may be a promise you can't keep.

In KAKEAI's survey, 52.8% chose "To move my own work forward" as a reason for having meetings with their manager (up to 5 choices). 30.3% chose "To maintain or improve my relationship with my manager." The most common reason was moving work forward.

Based on its experience supporting more than 3 million 1-on-1s and its survey of 10,000 employees, KAKEAI believes that even when you feel avoided, the relationship is built in the course of moving work conversations forward. This doesn't mean relationship building is unnecessary. It means not putting it ahead of the work itself.

How to tell whether things have changed

Judge whether things have changed by whether the working back-and-forth has come back, more than by whether the greetings have. After about 2 weeks, look back on these 3 points:

• Are both of you replying by the deadline to messages that need a reply?
• Are the two of you discussing requests that need a decision? For matters that move forward without going through you, is what's decided being shared with you?
• Is the next meeting scheduled? At the end of the last meeting, was the next step in your team member's own words?

If none of the 3 has changed, you may have misread the situation or the reason. In that case, ask your team member again. If the situation keeps affecting the work, don't carry it alone; talk to your own manager and HR.